Rachel! (theantisuck) wrote in abwhore,

confusing stream of consiousness rant

I blame girls for their abusive husbands and cheating boyfriends and anorexia and bulimia because I never liked them, because they were the ones making my life hell whether I needed them or not, because they were the ones who picked away at me with threats and turned me into the shell of a girl I was in middle school and the watered down version by high school. And now boys, boys won't touch me, they won't hurt me, because we are on the same side. Those boys who played didn't mean to do anything wrong, they just didn't know any better. Youhaveaniceasscanwefuck, he's just a boy who like me learned the how-to's from movies and in movies that's what they do. See I can't blame him, see it's not his fault. And it wasn't cultural beliefs or economic factors or personal fears that kept me bound, fuck no god no, Mr. PhD couldn't possibly get it, and it certainly wasn't because I was in 'this rut that I couldn't get out of,' or that I was used to it or abused as a child and it wasn't psychosomatic, it just wasn't. I stayed because boys are my friends, my buddies, my partners in crime, because girls and I, we don't get along. Because since he, or any of these boys, are my allies and best friends and weapons they clearly wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt me, and therefore all of the manipulation and questionings and swearing and screaming and his fists, his hands holding me down was for love, out of love, in love, love love love.

I left him early that summer, and he cried. he was really my only friend then, all the others had become distant. And I've never had girl friends really, not since i switched highschools in 9th grade. In the fall i left for college, I didnt have girl friends before here, where they found me and took me in. Here, women are all i need.

In the past month or so two sexual assults have happened within far less than a mile of my house, one within viewing distance. The college and police cannot provide full details but i've heard the latest was violent, ive heard a stick or a broom was used, she was beaten, and that an assailant came from behind, possibly with a blindfold. The school and police tell us (female students) we shouldnt walk alone at night. For the first time in my life, i have felt terrified at being a girl. I am suddenly suspisious of men i encounter walking home. I look behind me, jump at noises. It's like suddenly the campus has been transported to a medieval city where it is dangerous to leave the house w/o a male escort. I am from the suburbs, and not used to this. I never realized how prevalent it all is, how so many women i know have been affected, how we all know victems. I can't imagine what its like for women who live in areas where this is always a nessesity or a possiblity.
I dont blame girls anymore, no. Men have this seed in them, some kind of desiese. I don't trust most men i meet, i dont even like most boys i see here. They are boring, sit quietly in the back of class, wear stupid clothes and wear their dirty caps,have gruff unappealing voices, speak self-centeredly.

I used to hate my own sex. society teaches us to compete with eachother. society teaches us to tear eachother down. We need to stop hating ourselves and eachother. isolating myself from other women was probably the biggest mistake of my life.
i know this community is a joke, but really, hating other girls is probably the least progressive thing you can do for yourself.

I am an angry, angry feminist, for good reasons, going through a crazy obnoxious period of my life, and i just had to rant to you all.
thanks and bye!
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